Every day, I struggle with the desire to fit in and connect with everyone I come in contact with. I want to belong. I want everyone to like me. I want to feel wherever I go, I have a place in this world. I used to believe the most effective means to accomplish this lofty goal was to become the Chameleon. Someone who could change their color, stripes, mannerisms, and basically any attribute to better connect with those I came in contact with. What this ultimately did was the exact opposite. Let me explain:
Let’s start from the beginning. At a base level, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to be special. I wanted people to look at me and say, “Wow, he is someone truly special”. The problem with this idea is I created and focused on an image of the special “me” and tried to portray my life to those around me in the terms of that shiny image. The image was always just a little better than the true me because in my mind, the true me was not special and did not deserve any real friends or true connections with those around me. I worked very hard to be liked and cultivate an air of confidence and connectivity through image manipulation and never letting anyone get too close. Or at least not close enough to see my vulnerabilities. The first person to call this out to me was my own wife, who saw through all of the shells and walls to the true me. But she only caught a glimpse here and there in my moments of what I considered weakness. I have only recently found out that revealing vulnerability and my true self is the exact opposite of weakness.
Recently, I completed an audio book of Brene’ Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability. This came on the heels of completing books helping me understand my emotions, how to dare greatly, how to poke the box, and ultimately how to live an authentic life. Here is Brene’ Brown’s definition of Authenticity: “The Daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.” When I heard this, it was like the walls and struts holding up the image I tried to portray cracked, splintered, and exploded in a shower of dust and debris. I realized when I walked into a room, my goal was always to fit in and be connected to everyone I met. When I failed in many cases, I felt deep shame and my self talk was extremely hard on myself. (Calling myself an idiot, asshole, and the like)
With this new understanding, I had an opportunity to attend an annual christmas party last night and, for the first time, instead of the goal being to connect with everyone in the room, the goal was to be authentic and genuine. That meant not shrinking or puffing up. Not trying to blend or “Chameleonize” to fit in, but rather just be authentic. So, when I left, while I probably did not have a deep connection with everyone I came in contact with, I succeeded in being me. The Authentic me. And I felt no shame or remorse.
So, this is just my own opinion and my own story. I now believe in facing fear, embracing failure, and living an authentic life. Even with the flaws. Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of all of your lives and taking a few moments to read my thoughts.
